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I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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