she looked like the bat from fern gully.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
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