Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
