When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize