Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
