nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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