My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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