Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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