Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
