I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
