just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
