If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
