My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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