I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
organizing the empties. That sober.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
