Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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