Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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