seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
