you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
