it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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