I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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