I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize