if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Randomize
