My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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