She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
