home. puking in laundry basket.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize