i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
