Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
