you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
