remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
