i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
