I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
