it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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