Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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