Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
