I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
