biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
