Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
