have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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