i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
