Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
