Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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