I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
