1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
