my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
