Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
