Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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