I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
