I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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