The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
