I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
