My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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