1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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