I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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