Betty ford says i'm here all night
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
