11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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