Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
