She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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